Ranma FiveHalves
by Ukyou Kuonji
Summary: A crossover with the SoftCel release _Rei_Rei_: Kaguya, the Missionary of Love, is pained by the terrible conflict of the Ranmaverse, and takes it upon herself to set things right. But has she bitten off more than she can chew? Unfinished
1. Chapter 1: The Man of Our Dreams

Hi, y'all! I know it's been a while since The Ill-Timed Cure hit the airwaves, so here's another story for ya. Actually, I mentioned this one briefly in a previous post (let's see if you can figure out which story it goes along with: you'll find the answer at the end of this post, though...), and I believe I also made light of the fact that I wasn't satisfied with the title -- which, unfortunately, I still haven't been able to improve upon. So, title suggestions, and all other C&C can be directed to me at  
  
ucchans@ameritech.net  
  
Hope you like what I've got, though...  
  
*****  
  
RANMA 5/2, book one  
THE MAN OF OUR DREAMS  
  
A Ranma1/2 fan fiction by Ukyou Kuonji  
  
*****  
  
6:00 a.m., Monday morning. He sure as hell didn't enjoy these 'breakfast club' detentions, but they did allow him to avoid the contentious scene that was the Tendo dojo breakfast table. Between Pop swiping all the food, Mr. Tendo glaring and him and Akane, Kasumi's insufferable cheerfulness, Nabiki's constant scheming, and of course, that stupid tomboy herself, he figured that -- at least every so often -- he would be better off in detention hall on a given morning than having to deal with the 'family' he had acquired that made his life so miserable.  
  
He rooted quietly about the refrigerator, and dug out some carrots and celery. He slipped a jar of bean paste from the pantry, and darted out of the kitchen and away to school before anyone else could wake up. He couldn't recall if he'd done anything to offend anybody recently, but that usually didn't mean anything. *Somebody* was bound to be upset at him this morning (why should today be any different, after all?), and it was better to avoid everyone than to risk finding out and having to explain what he didn't know anything about in the first place.  
  
***  
  
At about the same time, the alarm clock in Ukyou's apartment went off. She sleepily reached over, and turned it off. Slowly, she hoisted herself out of bed, not quite willing to bring herself back to reality. But it was such a lovely dream! Oh, well... I've got customers to see to, after all. She padded, barefoot, to the bathroom; maybe a hot shower would bring her around.  
  
She couldn't stop thinking about it. She had dreamed about crossing a bridge from nowhere to nowhere over nothing. A rumbling, gravelly voice, not unlike Genma's, actually, had instructed her to go forward, and not look back. Why that mattered, she couldn't fathom. But once she did cross the bridge, there on the other side stood Ranma.  
  
As she dried herself off, invigorated and happy, she hugged herself tightly, the way she remembered how Ran-chan had embraced her in her dream, and spoken the words she'd been longing to hear from him for over a decade. Words that she thought she'd never hear from anyone, much less a boy, even less Ran-chan:  
  
"I love you, Ukyou."  
  
After that, the dream was rather blurry -- they often are -- but those words, those words she remembered as plainly as if he was standing there right now saying them.  
  
Which he was.  
  
***  
  
Konatsu didn't have an alarm clock -- at five yen an hour, it wasn't as if he could afford one. Of course, trained as he was in the ninja arts, he could tell his body to wake up at a certain hour of the day, so it wasn't a problem. But before 6:30 a.m. rolled around, Ukyou-sama's scream jarred him awake. Hurriedly tossing a kimono on (you'd be surprised how fast he could do that -- and even have the obi tied correctly), he stormed up the stairs, ready to confront any threat to his beloved mistress.  
  
Ukyou was hyperventilating, still trying to recover from the shock of stepping out of the shower only to find herself face-to-face with Ranma, when her apartment door burst open.  
  
"Konatsu!!" she yelped, leaping backwards.  
  
"Mistress! What's the matter?! I heard your scream, and I --" All at once, he realized that his mistress was naked. Granted, she had wrapped herself in a rather large towel, which covered herself more than adequately, but it was quite clear that, underneath it, there was nothing more. Immediately, he averted his eyes. "Is there anything you need, Ukyou-sama? Shall I eject this interloper?"  
  
Eject Ran-chan? thought Ukyou. Kami-sama! This is my wish come true! Even if it *does* catch me off guard, I'm not passing it up! I'm not gonna let go! "Uhm... no, that's all right, Konatsu. I was just... surprised, is all. Sorry if I alarmed you."  
  
By now, Konatsu was looking at Ranma with a rather perplexed expression. It wasn't like Ranma to simply show up in a girl's bedroom out of the blue like this. Sure, he'd heard stories about him and Akane, yes, but it was explained that that had more to do with P-chan than Akane per se. But here Ranma stood, perhaps a bit worried about the shock he'd apparently given Ukyou-sama, but otherwise, the best way to describe his attitude was 'nonchalant.' He was acting as if he belonged there.  
  
While Konatsu continued to stare at Ranma, trying to comprehend the meaning of this scene, Ukyou stepped into her closet to change. She emerged wearing one of her customary okonomi-yaki seller's outfits. As she did so, Konatsu observed that she was attempting to adopt Ranma's attitude of nonchalance as well. As if this were a normal, everyday occurrence.   
  
"Well." she announced. "Let's go down there and open up, ne?"  
  
Konatsu, obeying his mistress' orders, turned and headed out of Ukyou-sama's apartment, followed shortly thereafter by Ranma and a beaming Ukyou. She's happy, I guess. Looks like it's going to be a good day after all, the kunoichi thought...  
  
***  
  
Downstairs, one of the tables in the Ucchan's dining area caught sight of Ukyou-sama and... and... Ranma Saotome? coming down the stairs, arm in arm. He'd been in her apartment! Probably in her bedroom! They might have even... no, I don't want to *think* about it!  
  
If any of the three young people coming down the stairs noticed as the table inched its way to the door, they gave no sign of it, until it actually reached the door. Then Tsubasa flipped his disguise over and tore off down the street, tears streaming down his girlish face. At that point, they only turned toward the source of the commotion, then looked at each other and shrugged.  
  
"Konatsu-chan, could you right that table, and put it where it belongs?"  
  
"Right away, Ukyou-sama."  
  
***  
  
Those that were up and about in Nerima's business district this early were surprised when a schoolgirl stormed out of the as-yet unopened Okonomiyaki-ya Ucchan and charged up the street, crying and cursing some guy named Ranma Saotome. An ex-boyfriend, perhaps? The few people wandering the streets could only look at each other wonderingly.  
  
"How *dare* he! How *dare* he!!" Even though his heartbreak, Tsubasa continued to play the part of the jilted girlfriend. He sobbed uncontrollably, then began to tremble with rage. "I can't believe... he *slept* with her!!" He had wanted to attack Ranma right then and there, but to do so in front of his beloved Ukyou-sama would only serve to make her that much angrier at him, so he had run off. But he swore that if he ever got that pig-tailed Casanova alone... he would make him pay.  
  
***  
  
6:30 a.m. Ranma arrived at the detention hall. Several boys were already there, some of whom weren't even required to be in detention. Miss Hinako could do that to a boy's thought processes, particularly when she was in her adult form. Her fighting fish swam around in a circular bowl on her desk, so she could maintain that form -- she always felt she could control her students better that way. Well, she certainly had the boys' undivided attention.  
  
Except for Ranma's. With a casual "Heya, Teach" and the slam of a book bag on the desktop, Ranma slouched into his seat and prepared to take a brief siesta. Ms. Hinomiya was not about to allow that. Besides, Ranma seemed to require special reproof; partly because he got into trouble so much more often than most, but mostly because she really wasn't able to control him entirely, not even in her adult form. "Mr. Saotome, may I see you at my desk?"  
  
There were the inevitable murmurs as Ranma, eyes rolling, got out of his seat and approached Miss Hinako's desk: "See? I told you she'd call him up..." "I tell ya, she's got the hots for him..." "No way! That jerk?" "Yeah! What do the girls *see* in him, anyway?" Geez, but this is embarrassing. Okay, let's get this over with. "What's the problem, Teach?"  
  
"That's Ms. Hinomiya to you. Or Miss Hinako, if I'm in a good mood."  
  
"I take it you're not in a good mood."  
  
"You're very observant, Mr. Saotome. It may be early to be sitting around in class, but I will not tolerate sleeping here. I have to stay awake, so I expect you to, as well. Understood?"  
  
Ranma made as if to shrug, then nodded. Miss Hinako's expression softened a bit.  
  
"Ranma..." His eyes popped open. She never addressed a student by their first name; not while in class, anyway. The other boys noticed as well, and the murmuring grew louder. She paid no notice: "Do you know why it is you end up here in detention so often?"  
  
He shrugged. "I dunno. 'Cause I get into so many fights?"  
  
She nodded. "And you know, things would be easier for you if you wouldn't fight all the time..."  
  
"Well now, what am I *supposed* to do, Teach? I was raised to be a martial artist. Fighting's what I'm good at." He saw her begin to finger a five-yen piece. He backed away from her a step: I'd better talk my way out of this one in a hurry. "Look, I know my life would be easier if there wasn't all this fighting going on. It's not like I'm going outta my way for it or nothin'. I mean, the reason I'm here today is because Kuno attacked me over the pig-tailed girl! Do you realize he still refuses to believe it about me and her?" Now it was Miss Hinako's turn for her eyes to get wide. She had found out about Ranma and Ranma-chan in rather short order after beginning her work at Furinkan. To think that Tatewake Kuno, after all this time... "By the way, teach..." and Ranma leaned over the desk to face her eye to eye, "where *is* Kuno? He's as guilty as I am for yesterday's fight. Even more so, really -- he's the one that challenged me. So, how come he's not here?"  
  
Almost instantly, Hinako began to wring her hands nervously and transform into her child form. "Um.. I.. well.."  
  
"I thought so. You can't touch him, 'cause he's the principal's son, right?" Ranma grinned mischievously.  
  
Chibi-Hinako grabbed a fifty-yen coin from her desk. Ranma hit the floor.  
  
"Happo Go-jyu-en Satsu!" A blue cloud of chi energy billowed up around the aquarium on her desk, and she quickly grew into her adult form. The other boys in detention watched, fascinated, as her figure strained her dress very nearly to the bursting point.  
  
She reached down, and picked Ranma up from the floor by his collar. "Don't *ever* accuse me of favoring one student over another again." she hissed, "I simply don't have the *power* to..."  
  
"The power?" Ranma whispered back. "Teach, that Happo bit ya got there packs a darn good wallop. You could handle Kuno one-handed. Or do you mean administrative power?"  
  
Miss Hinako let go of Ranma, and he scrambled to his feet. She sighed and placed her head on her left arm. "It's not easy being the school disciplinarian when your hands are tied." That non-answer was good enough for him. It was almost enough to make him feel sorry for her. Almost.  
  
***  
  
At the Neko-Hanten, Mousse was already up and about, cleaning and setting up the dining area under the amazon matriarch's watchful eye, when a strange series of sounds began to float from Shampoo's room in back. It started off as a shriek, but quickly developed into a delighted squeal, followed by a sigh of... contentment?  
  
"That must be some dream she's having," commented the wizened old crone. "Maybe I ought to check on her. She really should be getting up by now. It's nearly time to open up, after all..." And she hopped off to the girl's room.   
  
In the brief silence, Mousse wondered what the meaning of her reactions could be. What might she be dreaming about? Or of whom? The thought danced in his mind, tantalizingly, that it might be him. Despite all outward appearances, he somehow knew she loved him. Maybe her subconscious mind was showing that to her right now. Maybe she would finally wake up (heh,heh) to the fact that he was truly the one for her, and not that idiotic Ranma. A dopey grin began to crease his face...  
  
An expletive in Mandarin jolted him out of his own reverie. Cologne? What's with her? He dropped his broom, and rushed to Shampoo's room.  
  
The sight that greeted his eyes was one he did not wish to believe. In fact, he promptly removed his glasses and rubbed them vigorously with a corner of his robe, trying to clean them sufficiently to erase the sight he had just come upon. But when he returned them, spotless, to his face, everything was the same. Ranma was still there, lying with Shampoo, arms around her. Shampoo was resting her head on his chest, and once more a contented sigh escaped her lips. Cologne, after her initial outburst, had apparently reconciled herself to Ranma's presence -- indeed, she seemed quite pleased with this turn of events.  
  
Mousse's face began to color itself beet-red, and while absolutely no one was paying any attention to him, had someone been doing so, they might have seen faint wisps of steam rising from his ears. Too upset to deal with this sight, he drew himself up as haughtily as his severely wounded pride could manage, and strode out the door. Cologne, still beaming over the happy couple, barely noticed his departure, but upon hearing the slam of the front door, decided to hop over and hang up a "Closed for the Day" sign out front. There was going to be a wedding to prepare, and that was more important to deal with than day-to-day business.  
  
***  
  
Ranma made as if to stand up and return to his desk.  
  
Miss Hinako held up her index figure and motioned for him to sit back down. "It's not just Kuno, though, Mr. Saotome. Or his sister. There's Ryoga, the Chinese couple..." Ranma smirked inwardly at the thought of Mousse and Shampoo being referred to as a couple. In mayhem, perhaps, but little else. "...that little old man, and any number of outsiders whose names and faces I can't remember offhand." She leaned forward, looking Ranma square in the eyes. "Ranma Saotome, I realize this is your life, but could you see your way clear not to do this during school hours?"  
  
Ranma's eyes, for their part, merely rolled at the absurdity of such a suggestion. "Look, Miss Hinako. It's not like any of these are under my control. *I'm* the one who's always getting attacked. I swear it. Follow me around sometime, you'll see. And when you're being attacked, you don't have the option to say to the other guy, 'Uh... hey, could we reschedule this for another time? I've got a class to attend, here.' It just doesn't work.  
  
"And another thing; these fights aren't my fault, either. Okay, with Akane I've got a smart mouth. I'll admit that. But that's not a fight -- I don't hit her back, 'cause I don't fight girls, okay? So that don't count. Anything else, I guarantee it: it's something that I have *no* control over. Honest. Like I said, you could follow me around, if you wanna."  
  
"Very well, Mr. Saotome. I may just do that today."  
  
Ranma gulped. Now he *knew* there was gonna be trouble.  
  
***  
  
"Spirits of darkness, release this troubled soul!"  
  
Kodachi was accustomed to hearing voices in her head, but this was different. This wasn't one of the many she had grown accustomed to. The voices she usually heard in her dreams were myriad and muddled, like the voices of a crowd before a sporting event. This was a single voice, ringing clear and loud, demanding her... release?  
  
Release from what? It made no sense to her dreaming mind, and even less so as she felt a weight -- a harness of some sort? -- being pressed down upon her, extending from her shoulder to her opposite hip. Far from being released, it was as if she was being restrained. With a deep breath, she forced herself to wake up.   
There was something draped across her, an... arm?  
  
She pushed the arm off, and turned herself over to face...  
  
Ranma-sama?  
  
All at once she understood the voice. She was to be freed from her lonely, obsessive pursuit of her darling. Her efforts were to be rewarded, and he was to be hers. It was all she could do not to laugh with delight at this wonderful surprise, as she joyfully threw her arms around her dearest Ranma-sama.  
  
Then... the security alarm went off. First, with a buzz, then with the crackling, static-marred voice of the Kuno family manservant.   
  
"Mistress Kodachi! According to the security sensors, there is an intruder in your room!" She grinned at the alarm in Sasuke's voice. Holding a finger to her lip, she motioned for her Ranma-sama to keep quiet; then, she turned on the intercom.  
  
"It's all right, Sasuke. I'm fully aware of the situation, and I have the matter well in hand. It's nothing I can't handle on my own." 'Well in hand...' It was all she could do to keep from laughing out loud, as she caressed the darling boy in her arms. Such a choice of words. She switched the intercom to 'Do Not Disturb,' and returned her attentions to her Ranma-sama.  
  
***  
  
Something in her tone seemed strange to Sasuke. Well, strange insofar as it was different from the way she would normally respond. It wasn't standard procedure to activate the security cameras once the Kunos had been alerted of intruders, but something told Sasuke that mistress Kodachi was not telling him the whole story.  
  
What he saw was almost beyond belief. He reached for the other intercom buzzer.  
  
"Master Kuno! Master Kuno! I think there's something you ought to know, sir..." The intercom went off before his alarm did. Kuno Tatewaki was not pleased.  
  
"This had better be good, Sasuke.."  
  
"I wish it were, Master Kuno. Your sister is in bed with that young Saotome boy!"  
  
Who needs coffee when you've got news like that first thing in the morning?  
  
Kuno bolted out of bed and threw on his regular outfit. Grabbing his trusty bokken, he stalked over to the security station where Sasuke was apparently monitoring Kodachi's room.  
  
Sasuke jumped in alarm when the door was thrown open. "Master Kuno! Please! He was there when I turned the monitor on! I don't know how he got in!" Kuno paid his servant no heed as he stared at the screen. Kodachi was still demurely dressed in her customary frilly nightgown. So, at least the cur had not forced himself upon her, or it surely would have been rent asunder. But she did not seem as if she had been so victimized. Indeed, she was smiling almost maniacally. It was quite clear to him that she was actually... happy.  
  
Kuno considered the sight before him. It was my own fault, he thought with some regret. I did give my consent for the two of them to date each other. The knave... give him an inch, and he gives her six or seven. And I still have no idea what she sees in him. On the other hand, mayhap he has chosen her above Akane Tendo and the pigtailed girl! I should seek them out this morning, and once again claim them as my own. A broad smile crossed his lips. He shouldered his bokken and sauntered off, whistling an old samurai tune.  
  
A puzzled expression crossed Sasuke's face as he watched his master depart. Master Tatewake had reacted as if it had been *good* news. Oh well... who am I to question his motives?  
  
***  
  
"Psst! Ranma!"  
  
Ranma turned to face Hiroshi. What the heck was *he* doing here? Ordinarily, he was a respectable, if not model, student. Then it clicked: Oh yeah... Hinako. Anyway, it was plain that Hiroshi's attention was on him for the moment. He might as well respond. "Yeah, what is it?"  
  
"What'd she say to ya?"  
  
"She just told me if I'd stop getting into fights at school, I wouldn't be in so much trouble. What of it?"  
  
Hiroshi waved his hands defensively. "Hey, hey... I wasn't trying to start something. Just wondering. I mean, how d'ya do it, man?"  
  
"Do what?"  
  
"Do what? What are you, stupid? You've got women hanging all over ya, and you act as if it's no big deal. In fact, you act as if it's some kinda major pain or something."  
  
"Well, it is. I guess if I had just one fiancee or something, it wouldn't be so bad, but they *all* want a piece of me. You think that's a *good* thing?"  
  
Hiroshi assumed a pained look. "The score's four to nothing, Ranma. Maybe even five, counting Hinako. You tell me who's winning."  
  
"Hinako?" Ranma hissed. "Are you nuts or something?" There was a tapping noise from the front of the classroom.  
  
"Ahem. Gentlemen...?" Both Hiroshi and Ranma spun around to face the front. "I heard my name, gentlemen. Was there something you wanted to say to me?"  
  
"Erm... no, nothing. Sorry about that, Teach."  
  
Hiroshi, for his part, shook his head vigorously.  
  
"Very well. Detention period will be over shortly. I would hate to see you two have to come back tomorrow for a mistake this late in the game." Ranma gulped. Hiroshi just shrugged. What did he care about being given a detention like this? *He'd* come here this morning of his own free will. If Miss Hinako thought he'd consider what she'd just said a threat, the joke would be on her...  
  
***  
  
The way to my heart's desire, ne? And all I have to is go straight forward without looking back? Simple...  
  
Akane strode forward confidently into the blackness and fog. She may not have felt confident, but she was not letting the voice that had compelled her on notice that weakness, if she could help it. Besides, if her heart's desire lay at the end of the road, why should she be afraid?  
  
She stopped. All at once, she realized she really had no idea what her heart's desire *was*. The air around her began to grow thicker and darker. Where was she going? And what would she find at the end?  
  
She felt a light tap on her head -- a mallet? But that was *her* trademark. Well, maybe it was her inner self urging her on. There wasn't much point in standing still, now, was there?  
  
It seemed as if she had been walking forever. Somehow, she knew this was a dream, and yet she could feel a dull ache in her feet. I hope something happens soon. What would happen if I gave up? Just at that point, the fog began to lift, slowly. Light began to filter into the scene. A hint of red fabric here, a fleeting glance of black ponytail there...  
  
All Ryoga knew was that something -- or someone -- had bounced him off of Akane's bed. When he came to, he couldn't believe his eyes! Akane was lying there... with.. with.. with..  
  
He couldn't finish the thought. With a squeal of despair, P-chan turned tail and ran off.  
  
This was her heart's desire? Ranma? Could it be? But we don't even like each other! And yet...  
  
The look in his eyes was one of affection and concern. Affection, pure and simple, for her and her alone. And concern that she might not feel the same way about him.  
  
She wasn't able to understand how she could tell all this from a single look into his eyes, and even less could she believe what she was seeing in them. He really likes me? And he cares whether or not I do?  
  
Maybe it was time to test it out. She set her hands on his shoulders, and pulled herself onto her tiptoes so that her face was level with his. She cocked her head slightly, and slowly moved her lips toward his. She felt his hands reach around her and clasp her waist. She was being pulled toward him. *He* was pulling her toward him. And then..  
  
The kiss. No tape, no tricks, no interruptions. This was the real thing. And in that moment, she felt all the love that he had for her pass into her, silently, wordlessly. All the denials, all the insults, were being washed from her heart and memory by the flood of emotion conveyed in that dream kiss.  
  
Dream kiss? But it felt so real! Her eyes popped open.  
  
It *was* real! She was kissing Ranma! In... IN HER OWN BED?!  
  
She sat bolt upright. "What are you *doing* in here, you pervert?!"  
  
Ranma merely lay next to her, head propped on his arm. "You were dreaming about me, just now, weren't you? So, here I am... I'm your dream come true."  
  
His tone of voice stopped her cold. It wasn't as if he were bragging at all. He was simply stating the facts. She stared into his eyes. It was that same look she'd seen in her dream. "I... But I... Ranma? How...?"  
  
He said nothing, but his lips soon wore a small smile. Akane's.  
  
***  
  
Tatewaki Kuno was in bright spirits. His sister was happy for once -- even if it meant she was to be in that accursed Saotome's arms. What difference? Akane Tendo and the pig-tailed girl were now his. Bokken perched on his shoulder, and two large bouquets of roses in his hand, his step was jaunty as he strode on to Furinkan High. He was going to be plenty early, too... well, all the better. More time, mayhap, to spend with his loves, ne? What could possibly happen to spoil this beautiful day?  
  
It had never occurred to Kuno that it was not a good idea to allow a thought like that to cross his mind. Because the answer was about to cross his path. Eyes closed, tears streaming down his face, Ryoga came running headlong into the Kuno family's noble scion. Bokken, umbrella, and flowers went flying every which way, and the two boys wound up sprawled on their backs on the pavement. It was Kuno who rose first, and, finding his bouquets and bokken still in acceptable condition, decided to extend his magnanimous grace to the weeping boy sitting before him. No doubt, he was fearful for his life of the wrath of the mighty Tatewaki Kuno. Well, let us assuage his fears...  
  
"Weep not, my lad. All is well. You have naught to fear from Tatewaki Kuno on this fine day. Rise up, dry your tears, and join the ranks of men once more." He extended his bokken, which Ryoga grasped onto for balance as he stood, still crying slightly. Kuno clapped him on the shoulder.  
  
"There now, my fine fellow. Cease this display of sorrow! The sun is bright, the birds do sing, and love is truly in the air."  
  
Ryoga wiped his face. "Yeah, for Ranma," he said sourly.  
  
Kuno grimaced slightly. How did this fellow knew about Saotome and his sister? "Yes, well... I never said it was a *perfect* day. And at any rate, I understand he has now chosen his beloved. Which means Akane Tendo is free to be mine!"  
  
"No, he and Akane.. they.. they.." Ryoga could not get the words out.  
  
Kuno began to grow concerned. "How's that? What news of that foul Saotome and my darling Akane? Speak, man... or must I find a tongue for you with this?" He waved his bokken before Ryoga's nose.  
  
Bad enough to have to say it, but now Kuno's impatience was getting infuriating. And that stupid bokken of his. Right. Like that's a threat. Ryoga grabbed Kuno by the shirt and pulled him within inches of his face. "THEY WERE IN BED TOGETHER, OKAY?" Panting from the effort of uttering the awful news, Ryoga let go. Kuno sprang to his full height, flaring with righteous indignation.  
  
"WHAT?! How came you by this dread news?"  
  
Ryoga froze. How to explain his knowledge without giving away his secret? Even his tears dried up from momentary panic. Then it struck him: let one liability cover for the other. "Uh... I was trying to find my way around, and I just.. kinda.. happened to walk in on the two of them."  
  
Kuno was livid. Not at Ryoga, fortunately. "Curse my naiveté! I might have known that that foul fiend would not be satisfied to have my sister alone." The thought of Ranma and Kodachi caused Ryoga to flinch slightly, but Kuno paid him no heed. "I shall have to avenge myself upon him, for her sake and Akane's. Still, all is not yet lost. What of the divine pig-tailed goddess, good man?"  
  
Ryoga's eyes widened. He still didn't know? Oh, boy. Well, he hadn't killed the messenger yet. Here goes... "As far as I know, Kuno, those two are still one and the same."  
  
At that point, Kuno practically erupted. In a fury, he swung his bokken in a full circle. Ryoga ducked, and so was unharmed, but a nearby light pole was not so lucky. The ensuing crash barely missed the two boys, and carved a huge chunk out of a wall on the opposite side of the street. Kuno once again grabbed Ryoga by the shoulder, this time less out of bonhomie than of a certain touch of madness.  
  
"Well, then, my good fellow, let us go forth! I can see your enmity for that lascivious lowlife matches mine. Let us on to Furinkan, then, and teach this foul knave a lesson!"  
  
Ryoga was decidedly uncomfortable with Kuno's arm draped around him. And the pressure he was exerting, too! Still, he concluded, better to have an ally in Kuno than another enemy. Besides, he might well know the way to school. He nodded, and Kuno's face slowly contorted into a malevolent smile. Ryoga shuddered, hoping the malice in Kuno's grin was meant specifically for Ranma.  
  
***  
  
Hinako Hinomiya walked alongside of Ranma as they headed to the first-period English class.  
  
"Uh... Teach... I really wish you wouldn't walk so close to me..."  
  
"That's Miss Hinako, and this was your idea, Mr. Saotome. 'Follow me around,' I believe you said. 'The fights I get into aren't my fault.'"  
  
"And they aren't!"  
  
"So you say. The proof is in the seeing, Mr. Saotome. And in order to see, one must be near the scene, ne? So... here I am."  
  
Ranma shifted uncomfortably. "Yeah, well... you don't haveta be right next to me to see, do ya?" He looked over at Miss Hinako, and realized he'd have to lower his gaze.  
  
Chibi-Hinako smiled up cutely at him. "Aww... are you scared of me, Mr. Saotome?"  
  
"What?! I'm not scared of nothin'.." Hinako gave him a disapproving glare. "Er.. I'm not scared of ANYthing. But the guys are startin' t'talk, Hinako-sensei.. and they think I'm enough of a pervert as it is."  
  
A blush started to form on the little girl's face. "What? They think you and I...?" She giggled demurely.  
  
"Yeah, real funny, Teach."  
  
She stopped giggling. "Miss Hinako to you," she said in as stern a voice as her child form could muster.  
  
"Yeah, whatever..."  
  
There was a rumble off in the distance. Ranma looked up (it does seem to rain an awful lot in Nerima; apparently Mother Nature frequently enjoys activating Jusenkyo curses as a joke), but the sky was cloudless and sunny. There was a cloud on the horizon, however... a dust cloud, coming straight toward him and Miss Hinako. To both his left and right were similar, smaller clouds. Each of them grew larger by the minute.  
  
"Well, Miss Hinako," and the teacher smiled. He'd finally gotten it right! Ranma continued: "It looks like we didn't haveta wait long. I have no idea what's gonna happen, y'see. And you, get back."  
  
She frowned at him. He's giving *her* orders? "I can take care of myself, you know."  
  
"Yeah, yeah. Don't you wanna know why they're after me, first? Let me handle this, and you'll see. We'll find out why they're all so mad, and I can prove it's not my fault. You use that Happo thing, and they'll be outta commission for the rest of the day. Now, step aside, willya?!"  
  
As he uttered this last command, the larger dust cloud was upon him. Hinako backed up just in time to avoid Ryoga and Kuno.  
  
"Ranma, how dare you try to put the moves on Akane!"  
  
"Saotome, you will pay for this... For my sister's sake!"  
  
In no time at all, Mousse and Tsubasa had joined the fray from their various directions.  
  
"This is for Ukyou-sama!" Swish.  
  
"This is for what you have done to Shampoo!" Clank! Rattle!  
  
"This is for my sister!" Swipe. "And the pig-tailed girl!" Swipe. "And Akane Tendo!" Swipe.  
  
"For Akane! Now you die, Ranma!"  
  
Ranma writhed and ducked, trying to dodge as many punches as he could. "Hey! Hold on! What'd I do this time?!"  
  
The others stopped their onslaught momentarily to announce, as one:  
  
"YOU WERE IN BED WITH HER THIS MORNING!!"  
  
And just as they prepared to resume their punishment, each of them realized what the others had just said. And facefaulted.  
  
Ranma slowly brought himself up to his full height. He surveyed the stunned boys, and then turned to Ms. Hinomiya. "Now, d'ya see what I mean? I was in detention hall this morning. Wasn't anywhere near any of these girls. Let alone *all* of 'em. You can vouch for me, right, Teach?" Hinako nodded, despite the disrespect he was showing her by not addressing her properly. She decided she'd chalk it up to duress this time.  
  
"B-but I SAW you! You were right there on her bed!"  
  
"Oh, yeah? What were YOU doing in her bedroom, P-chan?"  
  
"Shut up, you!"  
  
"Hey, I saw him, too! He had his arms around Shampoo and everything!"  
  
"No, he and Ukyou-sama came down to the Ucchan this morning... and you shoulda seen 'em!"  
  
"Impossible! That was him in our security cameras! I have videotape as proof! He was with my sister!"  
  
"Oh, yeah, *right*. I'll believe that when I see it, Kuno.."  
  
"Why you...! Apologize, cur!"  
  
"What for?"  
  
And so on, and so on, and so on...  
  
***  
  
The goddess sighed as she continued to stare out the window of her ethereal mansion. She could hear her manservant's footsteps echoing down the hallway. Her usual brandy nightcap, she surmised. She continued gazing at her beloved moon, and wondering..  
  
"Ojou-sama." A small, squat, tuxedo-clad man stood at the entrance to her chambers. Actually, to call him a man was stretching the point a bit. Barely three feet tall, with skin the color and texture of old leather, and a bald head roughly the shape of a fat pylon, he made for a curious creature. In his weathered and ageless hand rested a silver salver, upon which sat a half-full snifter, as well as the bottle from whence the liquid came.  
  
"The moon is lovely tonight, is it not, Pipi?" Her manservant approached, still carrying the salver.  
  
"It is indeed, My Lady." He stood next to the bed upon which his mistress sat, still gazing out the window. He raised the salver ever so slightly, and she turned her head. With a single fluid motion born of long ritual, she took the proffered snifter, nodded her thanks to him, and resumed her position facing the impassive moon.  
  
"I wonder if this effort of ours has brought the moon any closer to her mate.." she mused.  
  
"It is not mine to say, Ojou-sama. I am not even sure that we have done right."  
  
"We have given these girls their hearts' desire. Who am I to dispute with them if the all desire the same young man? I have given them each a perfect version of their mutual beloved."  
  
"Where does this leave the real boy, then?"  
  
"I do not know, Pipi. He has no dream; at least, not one of love. So I can do nothing for him at the moment..." A diamond tear trickled down her face at the thought of such a person. No desire for love? Impossible! But apparently true. Her heart went out to one whose idea of love was so distorted as to decide it wasn't for him. "Perhaps you are right, Pipi. It seems we may have inadvertently given him his desire, too... to be left alone. Maybe we have pushed the moon away a bit."  
  
The manservant's mouth twitched into what might be considered a smile. "Oh, I'm not too sure about that, Ojou-sama. He hasn't been left entirely alone..." and he gestured toward that little corner of the earth where Ranma continued to argue and fight with the four jilted boys until Hinako's five-yen piece put an end to the fracas...  
  
FIN  
  
***  
  
Author's notes:  
  
For those who read my previous post to the FFML called 'Ever Dance With the Devil in the Pale Moonlight?' this concept should appear somewhat familiar. That's right, this is the 'Sorcerer's Apprentice' approach I had suggested at the time. This story and 'The Bargain' were spawned from that perhaps-never-to-be-completed concept.  
  
I'm curious to know how many of you out there recognize Kaguya, the Missionary of Love; I imagine it's very few of you, considering the animosity I've heard directed at SoftCel in the past. But I must confess, Rei Rei was the first bit of anime I ever saw (not counting those Speed Racer episodes I watched when I was what? Three? Four? years old); a lemon (though I wasn't familiar with the term at the time) with a plot! I was so surprised! And I actually enjoyed it. It wasn't until later I learned about other people's opinions of ADVision and SoftCel, but it didn't change mine about Rei Rei, or End of Summer for that matter. Oh, well.  
  
Given the circumstances from which some of these ideas emanated and all that, I suppose you're wondering why I didn't *write* a lemon scene. Well, I don't consider myself a decent (har, har) lemon writer, and at any rate, the focus is on the original Ranma, where he insists that none of the crazy things that happen, or that he gets blamed for, are his fault. And sure enough, they aren't. And nothing actually happens to him -- unless you count the thrashing the others end up giving him.  
  
As for the conclusion, well, it's not quite to my satisfaction, but it's an ending. So I feel somewhat confident in letting it go as it is. Not satisfied, necessarily, but confident. Oh, well. Suggestions are always welcomed. Email me at  
  
ucchans@ameritech.net  
  
And thank you for having read through all of this.   
Until next time... ja!  
  
Itsu mo,  
Ucchan ^_^ 


	2. Chapter 2: Ronin Men Without Mistresses

Well...  
  
After some encouragement by some of you out here on the FFML (BTW,   
thanks are in order for Neil Robertson, Anand Rao and August   
Holgado), I'm going to begin elaborating on the Ranma 5/2 story   
I submitted some two or three months ago. Let me know whatcha   
think about the direction I'm taking with this. By the way, I'm   
gonna be occasionally using the term "shin-Ranma" ('new' Ranma) to   
refer to the Ranma-dopplegangers Kaguya created for the four of us   
girls in "Ranma 5/2: The Man of Our Dreams" ...unless someone happens   
to know the Japanese for 'doppleganger' (Heck, even *English* doesn't   
have a word like that).  
  
For those that weren't subscribed to the FFML at the time, here's   
where the story stands: Kaguya, from the one-off (uh... pardon the   
pun) lemon video "Rei Rei," has essentially taken it upon herself   
to give each of Ranma's fiancees their hearts' desire -- namely,   
a Ranma of their own (hence, the arc title). As they wake up one   
by one to find him in their beds with them, the real Ranma is in   
morning detention hall, so he knows nothing about what has happened.   
Nor does he understand why all the guys who have made claims on any   
of these girls are so bent out of shape (and by turns, bending *him*   
out of shape -- thank goodness for Miss Hinako, eh?)  
  
Anyway, on with the story, ne? :: shakes head, mutters to self   
about how "and every time I promise myself I won't write another   
epic..." ::  
  
  
A Ranma 1/2 fan fiction by Ukyou Kuonji  
  
Ranma 1/2 and all characters therein are the property of Rumiko Takahashi, et al.  
Kaguya and Pipi are the creations and property of Toshimitsu Shimizu, et al.  
All characters are used without permission, natch.  
  
***  
  
The goddess Kaguya sighed as she stepped out of her bath. Water cascaded from her luxuriant black hair and poured down her back. She stood at the edge of the bath, feeling the droplets run down her breasts, her belly, her legs. Normally, she enjoyed the sensation of the water's course, imagining the sperm-like tracks they drew across her body.  
  
This day, however, was different. Her mind's eye refused to be pulled from the quarrelsome scene she had witnessed between Ranma Saotome and the boys who fancied themselves suitors of the girls who wanted him. Each of the girls had Ranma as their heart's desire, and how could she refuse love? She gave each of them what they had wanted: a Ranma they could call their own. But that left the boys out in the cold. She shivered, feeling the icy blasts of their hatred... or was it just from standing out in the open air, wet and naked?  
  
Her manservant Pipi had hung a number of towels out for her. Thick, thirsty bath towels, more than enough to cover her and perhaps warm her up. She grabbed as many as her hands could hold, and wrapped them around herself tightly. Now she was dry, but she was still cold. No, it had to be the hatred.  
  
She was furious with herself for her hasty actions. How could she not have foreseen it? To find lovers for each of the girls had indeed increased the balance of love in the world, but the hatred generated by cutting their boys out of the deal had more than offset that gain. She could bear the suspense no longer, and rushed to a window, dropping all the towels behind her. She pushed it open, and gave her beloved moon a magnificent view of her pristine figure. Assuming it noticed.  
  
To her mind, it seemed smaller tonight. Maybe it had indeed been pushed away. The anger inside these young men, these... ronin. Samurai without masters. Or in this case, without mistresses. This *had* to be corrected.  
  
"Pipi?!" She was surprised at the sound of her own voice. It was pained, almost panicky. But it was an emergency... and if she couldn't fix this soon, she might very well freeze to death. Or... wait; no, she was just naked again. And...  
  
"Ojou-sama?" And Pipi had already come in. She flushed a bright crimson. Okay, now it was a bit warmer in here. She carefully gathered the towels, and wrapped herself back in them. For his part, Pipi had averted his eyes almost immediately. The Missionary of Love she may be, but there were times when modesty and decorum still had to be observed. This was one of those times. He backed up, and slid the door to the bath closed. "Was the bath not to your liking, My Lady?" he called through the paper screen.  
  
"Erm... the bath was fine, Pipi. There have been ...other things on my mind."  
  
"The events in Nerima, ne?"  
  
Kaguya smiled despite herself. "Very perceptive of you, Pipi. You may well have been right all along as to whether what I had done was proper."  
  
Pipi merely nodded, stonefaced. It would not be wise, after all, to adopt an 'I told you so' manner around a goddess. And even if she couldn't see his face right now, there was no sense in letting his voice betray him.  
  
The door to the bath shunted open, and the goddess stepped out, now fully dressed. She strode purposefully to the portico. "We must lose no time, Pipi. Already, the situation may be worsening." She stood there, once again facing the moon. Her mind focused in on the golden glow that enveloped her. Then, summoning her magical skills, she drew herself up and leaped into the thick air. She swam ever upward, gliding effortlessly into the ether.  
  
Pipi, on the other hand, was dogpaddling through space, chasing after her wake. "Ojou-sama! Chotto ne!" Kaguya smiled and slowed her glide to a speed at which her faithful manservant might be able to catch up with her... by the time they passed the moon, en route to their mission.  
  
*****  
  
RANMA 5/2, book two  
RONIN: Men Without Mistresses  
  
*****  
  
Having gotten his help dragging five comatose boys to her station, the school nurse was commiserating with the janitor about the aggravations of their respective jobs at Furinkan High.  
  
"I mean, I worked at a trauma center for two years when I started out in the nursing profession! But the damage these kids do to each other... it's unbelievable! I still can't believe we haven't lost anybody yet this year..."  
  
"I understand how you feel, but I can't say as I sympathize with 'em. The damage these kids do to each other is nothing compared to what they do to the school. Remember when the water main burst in the girls' locker room? A couple of these boys," he jerked his thumb to indicate the infirmary, "had been fighting in there (I don't even wanna KNOW what they were doing in the girls' locker room). One of 'em hit the ground, and BOOM! That was an expensive repair, you know. You say it's a wonder they haven't killed each other? I say it's a wonder *I* haven't taken a crack at 'em."  
  
"How do you manage, then? You must always be running short of supplies. I know I can go through a shipment of bandages and gauze in the course of a single bad day, sometimes."  
  
"Hah! You kiddin'? You'd need to stockpile supplies to keep up with them. And that goes for both of us. I swear, I wish there was some kinda extra-dimensional space where you could just reach back and grab whatcha needed, when ya needed. Otherwise, Furinkan'd haveta have a separate building to house all the stuff you and I need all the time. It'd be like preparing for some kind of wartime emergency."  
  
"I guess so... it really *is* like war to these kids, ne?"  
  
"They certainly treat it that way. Someone oughta tell 'em t'lighten up. Play some kinda practical joke on 'em or something; y'know, bucket of water on top the door or something like that. I mean, I take this job seriously, but when I'm outta here, I can go out and get rip-snorting drunk like the next salaryman. Say, what do *you* do t'loosen up, Kimiko-san?"  
  
"Oh, sometimes when I'm really down, I go and talk with an old friend of mine from nursing school. She has a job like this, too. And the kids at her high school, come to think of it, are just as bad as these are. Worse, even, in some respects."  
  
The janitor snorted derisively. "Worse than Furinkan? Now, *that* I'd like to see."  
  
"It's true! Sakura-sempai works at Tomobiki High."  
  
This caught the janitor in mid-snort. "Sakura? Tomobiki? You know, they say she knows magic... is that true?"  
  
Kimiko nodded. "It's true. She tells me that it comes in handy now and again." She sighed heavily. "Wish I knew what she does -- I imagine it'd take some kinda magic to deal with these kids..."  
  
The janitor nodded thoughtfully.  
  
***  
  
Of the five sufferers in the infirmary, Ranma had sustained the least damage. After all, he had merely been defending himself from the onslaught, so he hadn't shown nearly as much ki energy for Miss Hinako to drain. Still, he was alarmed when he finally woke up. The noon hour was nearly upon him. He'd missed a whole morning's worth of classes! As if he didn't get into enough trouble as it was, now he had to deal with this! He bounded off the cot he had been lying upon, and tore out of the nurse's station.  
  
Out in the courtyard, he spotted Akane chatting with Yuka and Sayuri. Her two friends saw him first, and whispered back and forth between each other. This caused Akane to turn around, and upon seeing Ranma, her eyes just lit up, while the others began giggling. Ranma was a bit confused by Yuka and Sayuri's reaction, but the look that Akane was giving him was downright scaring him. Was this a set-up? But he really needed those assignments in order to stay out of trouble with his teachers. He decided he'd just have to tread *real* lightly. He sat down gingerly between Akane and her friends.  
  
"Uh... hi, Akane. Whatcha guys talking about?"  
  
Akane blushed deeply and joined the others in giggling. "Oh, nothing, Ranma. I'm glad to see you."  
  
"Mm... right." Ranma's mind was racing: What is going *on* here? "Actually, I'm pretty glad to see you, too. I've got something important to ask you, Akane..."  
  
Sayuri and Yuka were abuzz at this comment. Akane grew wide-eyed, and Ranma thought he spotted a hint of moisture in the corners of her eyes. "Really, Ranma?"  
  
Something told him he was stepping into some serious trouble if he proceeded. But he rarely listened to that little warning voice, anyway. "Yeah. Were there any assignments handed out during class this morning?"  
  
Yuka and Sayuri facefaulted. This was not the sweet nothings they expected to be hearing from the Ranma that Akane described as having been in her bed that morning. For her part, Akane managed to look more puzzled than hurt, and more hurt than angry. For now. "But Ranma... you were in class all morning!" Now it was Ranma's turn to facefault.  
  
Sayuri confirmed Akane's claim: "Yeah, but you were staring at Akane the whole time, now, weren't you? Were you daydreaming the whole time, or what?" Once again, she and Yuka resumed giggling.  
  
Ranma considered that suggestion. He knew he hadn't been in class, but for some reason the girls all swore up and down that he had been. Perhaps the wisest course of action was to go with the flow. After all, it wouldn't be a complete lie to agree; one does tend to dream when one is unconscious, and that was how he'd spent his morning, thanks to Miss Hinako. He reached back to rub the back of his neck. "Yeah, I guess I must have been. Wasn't paying attention."  
  
With Ranma confirming their assumptions, the girls' confusion was erased and replaced with pleasant smiles. Especially Akane. But she had to push her luck: "That's so sweet, Ranma. Was I in any of your daydreams?"  
  
Now, why the heck would she think that? Why would I have a daydream about that sexless tomboy, any.. way. She was flashing a smile that could light up Ropponji, and Ranma found his denials catching in his throat. Oh, hell. He remembered the blows he'd received from Kuno and Ryoga, and decided to continue taking the route the girls were leading him on: "Yeah, I s'pose you had somethin' t'do with it..."  
  
Anything else he might have said was crushed out of him, as Akane grabbed him in a great big bear hug.  
  
***  
  
The Ranma doppleganger that Akane had actually been in bed with that morning, however, was still wandering around inside Furinkan High School. Not lost, exactly... just trying to familiarize himself with the place. If he was to become Akane's love, as Kaguya had intended, they would still have to go to school and so forth. It would appear that the two of them would be spending a lot of time together here, so it would be well for him to understand the layout.  
  
As he passed by Room 1-F, a bell went off and a horde of freshmen poured out. Shin-Ranma bounded up and hung onto one of the florescent light fixtures suspended from the ceiling. The throng having passed by, he let go and landed lightly on his feet, right in front of a straggling student.  
  
"Saotome-sempai!" The student backed away a step. Evidently, he was known to this sallow-faced young man. A trace of a smile crossed shin-Ranma's face.  
  
"Did you need something, ... ?" Shin-Ranma's voice trailed off, as if expecting the young man to fill in his name.  
  
Hikaru Gosunkugi couldn't believe his ears! Ranma was asking if he needed anything! And, for whatever reason, acting as if he didn't know him -- of course, that was to be expected, as a freshman. Well, as long as I'm going to be given carte blanche... "I.. erm.. yes, yes I do, Saotome-sempai. C-could I have a lock of your hair?"  
  
Again, a crooked smile appeared on shin-Ranma's face. So, he had admirers on both sides of the fence, did he? Wait till Kaguya found out. Like his creator, shin-Ranma was unable to refuse a request apparently made from the heart. "Well, I can't see what it would hurt. I don't think that Akane would mind too terribly... do you happen to have a pair of scissors?"  
  
Gosunkugi's eyes popped, but he quickly recovered. "Just one moment, sempai." He turned around and went down on one knee, placing his bento in front of him. Opening the box, his hand moved across the contents, passing by the voodoo doll and spike, the black candles, the assortment of needles, until he came to a pair of scissors. He removed them from the bento box, and quickly closed the lid so that Ranma would not be afforded the opportunity to discover his plans. He stood up and proffered the scissors to the older student. "Here you go, sempai."  
  
"Thanks, man." Shin-Ranma ran his free hand through his hair, and selected a lock just behind his ear. A quick snip, and he handed the small tuft, along with the borrowed scissors, back to Gosunkugi. "There you are. Anything to please."  
  
Gosunkugi's expression was as close to rapture as his normally deadpan face would allow. "Oh, thank you so much, sempai. You don't know how happy you've made me."  
  
Shin-Ranma waved off the younger boy's kowtowing. 'Yeah, yeah, whatever. Glad to be of service. Now, shouldn't you be off to lunch, kiddo?"  
  
"Oh, yes... right away, sir!" and off he dashed. Shin-Ranma chuckled a bit, and shook his head as he watched the freshman run off. He turned and continued his own meanderings through the halls of Furinkan High School.  
  
***  
  
Safely hidden in a grove of willow trees nearby the school, Hikaru Gosunkugi rejoiced at his good fortune. Now, he could eliminate Ranma Saotome from Akane's -- and everyone else's -- life forever!  
  
He stuck the lock of hair that shin-Ranma had given him into the straw doll, and lit two of his black candles. He set them, still burning, at the foot of the largest willow, and lifted the doll to the heavens while muttering some incomprehensible gibberish. He picked out his hammer, and the largest needle he could find from his bento box, and repeated the process. Then, with the needle held to the straw man's heart, he slammed it to the willow. And with the hammer, he drove the spike all the way through the effigy, impaling it to the tree.  
  
***  
  
Somewhere on the second floor of the school, shin-Ranma shimmered. And vanished.  
  
***  
  
Out in the ether, an icy blast struck the Missionary of Love. Something more had gone wrong. "Pipi! We must hurry!" A small pink orb of light formed in her hand, and grew until it enveloped both the goddess and her manservant. Then, with a noise like the winking of a giant eye, it disappeared, taking Kaguya and Pipi with it.  
  
***  
  
Ukyou Kuonji was a practical girl, above all else. So, during the midafternoon lull, she and Ranma left Konatsu at the grill while they headed to the Nerima ward courthouse, and were married in a brief civil ceremony. Sure, she had every intention of marrying Ranma in the full and time-honored Shinto tradition. But that sort of thing took time to plan, and lots of money to set up. It could not be done on the spur of the moment. And Ukyou had come to the conclusion that if she didn't stake an official claim on Ran-chan immediately, she might run the chance of losing him to one of the other girls. So, as unromantic as it may have been to stand in the judge's chambers, with only a secretary and a clerk as witnesses, the fact was that she was still walking out of that building as Ukyou Saotome. His wife. His one and only. And that was what really mattered, didn't it?  
  
Once back to the Ucchan, Konatsu shrugged something to the effect that no one had been in at all during their absence. It didn't seem to faze her.  
  
"That's fine, Konatsu. Why don't we close up early this evening, then? You can have the rest of the night off. Whaddya say?" She took down the Ucchan's curtain as she was saying this; evidently she was quite serious. As puzzled as he was to be given the time off so impulsively, Konatsu was grateful -- of course, if he knew what to do with the time, he'd probably be even more so.  
  
As if in response. Ukyou went to the cash register and pulled out a couple of bills. "Why don'tcha take in a movie or something, 'Natsu-chan? I hear the latest Juzo Itai picture is playing over at the Takahashi..."  
  
For Konatsu, this was an unbelievable windfall. "Th-thank you, Ukyou-sama," he bowed humbly. For her part, Ukyou smiled beatifically and waved him off.  
  
"Go on, kiddo. You have fun. I know *we* will." She and Ranma didn't even bother to see him off, but headed directly for the stairs. Konatsu watched them head up to her apartment, and then he understood the reason for his mistress' largesse. Grinning like an idiot, he headed outside. I guess I should have seen that coming. Well... all the best to them, I imagine.  
  
***  
  
Ukyou lay on her bed, waiting. Soon, Ranma would be ready and they would become man and wife in the most basic sense. She shivered with anticipation; or maybe it was just because she was naked?  
  
She looked around at her apartment. It really wouldn't have to go through any major overhauling for Ran-chan to be comfortable living here. Her tastes in decor were mannish enough to suit just about any guy. Not that Ran-chan was 'just any guy'...  
  
Of course, the bed would have to go soon. It just wasn't built for sleeping two. Ukyou slept like the warrior she was; on her back, hands folded on her breast, ready to waken and leap to attention at a moment's notice. So she hadn't needed any more than the smallest of beds for her to sleep on. This would definitely have to change. Besides, she thought as she bounced up and down impatiently, this mattress was getting kinda lumpy...  
  
In fact, it felt like she was sitting on a loose coil. Whatever it was, it was poking her quite uncomfortably in a rather sensitive spot. She adjusted her position; they'd just have to make do for tonight, she concluded. Tomorrow, she resolved, they'd get this thing replaced. She reached down and rubbed at the irritated area, and began to feel much better. Now, if only Ran-chan would get out of the washroom... she was ready for him.  
  
Suddenly, she felt another prick to her rear. This one must have just sprung up, she thought with a slight grin. It's as if the bed has a mind of its own, and wants me first before...  
  
The light dawned. The grin faded. She stood up, and stared at the bed. Pushing aside covers, blanket, sheets, and finally, tearing open the mattress itself, she found him.  
  
"TSUBASA!" she roared. "What the *hell* do you think you're doing?!" Underneath his disguise, instead of his normal (for him) schoolgirl sailor dress, Tsubasa was completely naked. And erect. It began to shrink, however, as he cowered from her rage.  
  
"Please, Ukyou-sama! Don't do this, I'm begging you! I love you more than that two-timing Casanova ever could!"  
  
"How would you know? Is *this* what you call 'love'? Practically trying to *rape* me on my wedding night?!" Her combat spatula was hanging on a nearby wall, and she went for it with a swift motion   
born of long practice. She slid the spatula underneath the mattress, and as if flipping a gigantic okonomi-yaki, she flung it out the bedroom window, with Tsubasa still inside.  
  
Tsubasa screamed as he saw the world swish by on his flight. Whether from anguish at this one last rejection, or fright at the anticipated crash-landing he was about to endure could not be ascertained. But just before he and the mattress hit the ground...  
  
...He woke up, bathed in cold sweat.  
  
Tsubasa sat bolt upright in his infirmary cot. It had all been a dream -- or had it? Looking around the room, he saw the others; Ryoga, Kuno and Mousse. Still recovering, still unconscious. And one empty cot. Ranma's.  
  
Oh, no! That.. that.. pervert! He *had* to be over at the Ucchan. Maybe he was even now turning this nightmare into reality! He had to be stopped. Tsubasa flew out of the infirmary, not even aware that school was still in session as he charged through the halls, out the doors, and away from the Furinkan campus. He had to get to the Ucchan. He had to stop this travesty of justice.  
  
***  
  
A spherical pink flash appeared about a block away from Furinkan High School. When the bubble burst, there stood the goddess Kaguya and her manservant. The street they had landed on was relatively deserted.  
  
"We're not quite there yet, are we, Ojou-sama?"  
  
Kaguya smiled. "No, not quite. But be patient. Something ought to be happening soon."  
  
Pipi was not about to complain to her face, but he was starting to get just the slightest bit annoyed. First she yells out that we have to hurry, and then she says to wait and be patient... Any further thoughts were interrupted as a teenaged girl in a school-issue sailor suit charged past them, howling like a jilted lover. The breeze created by her motion whipped Kaguya's hair and nearly knocked Pipi over.  
  
Something looked familiar about that dress, though, as it receded into the distance, the girl's mournful cry echoing in their ears. As he attempted to regain his equilibrium, Pipi turned to his mistress: "Ojou-sama... wasn't she one of the ones attacking...?"  
  
"Yes, Pipi, he was."  
  
The manservant's eyes widened ever so slightly. "He...?"  
  
Kaguya did not respond. She was listening to the wind, for the cries of souls in pain from unrequited love. Pipi tugged at the hem of her skimpy dress.  
  
"Well, shouldn't we follow her... I mean, him?"  
  
"Eventually, Pipi, but not now... I sense more pain in the direction he came from than that which he goes to." She turned and began to walk in the direction from which Tsubasa had run... towards Furinkan High School.  
  
Pipi's eyes narrowed again, and he shrugged as he followed his mistress.  
  
***  
  
Pipi nodded in understanding as they arrived in the infirmary. The three other attackers... no wonder she said there was more pain to deal with here. And they looked pretty banged up, too. Physical pain, however, was not something they dealt with... some of the souls they'd helped in the past actually liked that sort of thing. If they were in love and happy... what's a little sado-masochism between true   
lovers, anyway?  
  
Love had not caused this carnage, however. Kaguya sensed the chill in the infirmary air despite the unconscious states of the three remaining boys. The hatred they held for Ranma Saotome, who had stolen their loves, was such that it was palpable even as they slept. It was up to her to replace that hatred with love.  
  
She passed her hands over each of the boys. "This one is closest to the dream state, Pipi." Her manservant joined her at Mousse's bedside. "Spirits of darkness, release this troubled soul!"  
  
In a flash of light, the two immortals vanished into the ether.  
  
***  
  
To Mousse, it seemed as if he were standing on a cloud. Or was it just that he wasn't wearing his glasses? No, it really was a cloud... and it parted just in front of his feet, enough that he could see that he was standing on a wooden bridge. A sonorous voice from behind him spoke up:  
  
"Go forward, young man! Find the way to your dreams!" Hunh? Who the -- ?  
  
As Mousse attempted to look over his shoulder at the speaker, he was struck -- hard -- on the temple. Nothing serious, certainly not for one so accustomed to Shampoo's thrashings, but enough to knock him to his knees, and send his glasses spinning from his face. A quick shake of his head to reset his senses, and he began to grope around on the bridge floor for his glasses. As he crawled forward slowly, his hand rested on something about a foot above the ground. It was soft and warm - definitely not part of the bridge.  
  
"Is this what you're looking for?"  
  
His hand was resting on Kaguya's knee. She was crouched in front of the young man, holding his missing spectacles.   
  
"Uh.. thank you, miss.."  
  
"Call me Kaguya." She smiled as she set the glasses on Mousse's face. "I am known as the Missionary of Love."  
  
"Well, it is not as if you need to convert me. I love Shampoo dearly enough already. And I have the bruises to prove it."  
  
"But it's not you who needs to be converted, is it? It's her."  
  
Mousse stood up, clearly troubled. "Well, she has her stupid Ranma now. I might as well not exist!"  
  
"Is that what you would wish for? Not to exist?" Kaguya stood up and stared deeply into the young man's eyes. There was a haunted look, as though he had long been pursued by the twin demons of what-might-have-been and what-is, and their contradictory outlooks.  
  
"What? No! But how can I match up to Ranma and win my Shampoo's heart?"  
  
Hmm. Perhaps she could use his demons for her own purposes. She murmured inaudibly, and a glowing pink sphere grew in her hand. She turned around and threw the luminous orb into the blackness that Mousse was facing.  
  
"Find that ball, my dear Mousse, and you will find your heart's desire. As improbable as it may seem to you now." She gave him a broad wink.  
  
Mousse looked puzzled, but left Kaguya to run along the length of bridge. Very soon, he could see a pinpoint of pink light in the distance. As he ran, the pinpoint grew until it was a large haze. A silhouette emerged from the haze, and it, too, grew as he ran toward it. In fact, it was running toward *him*. Slowly, he began to make out the features of...  
  
"Sh-Sh-Shampoo?! How did.. how did you get here?" He stopped dead in his tracks.  
  
Shin-Shampoo smiled. "No ask silly questions, Mousse. Be happy. I here."  
  
"She is that, Mousse..." Kaguya's voice. "Make her your own."  
  
Mousse charged ahead and as he reached her, he swung at her. "Yes! No more holding back, Shampoo. Today, I shall win you, in the true tradition of the Joketsuzoku Amazon warrior."  
  
Her eyes popping in surprise, shin-Shampoo barely managed to duck Mousse's punch. "Mousse! What you doing?!"  
  
Her surprised exclamation caught Mousse off guard. His hands dropped to his sides. "But darling... I have to defeat you in combat to truly make you mine. It is the law of the Amazons, is it not? So, prepare yourself, my beloved, for I shall not hold back this time!"  
  
Needless to say, shin-Shampoo was totally unprepared for Mousse's onslaught. Of course, he was somewhat hampered, since, being naked, he had no place to hide his customary weapons. He was reasonably accomplished at hand-to-hand combat, though, and found himself connecting whenever shin-Shampoo could not avoid him fast enough.  
  
In the waking world, he was connecting too. The punches he was landing on his dream Shampoo were striking the wall at the head of his cot. And for whatever reason, there was a shelf several feet   
above Mousse on that particular wall. And on that shelf sat a bucket of water. With each blow landed on the wall, the bucket shuddered and inched closer to the edge, until...  
  
Mousse connected again, only to be struck himself with a pail of... oh, no.  
  
Shin-Shampoo blinked. Where had he gone? All she could see was a pail, and underneath it, a duck with glasses. She lifted her head to the heavens.  
  
"Mistress! Pipi! Come quick! Shampoo need your help!"  
  
A flash, and Shampoo and the duck vanished from the dreamscape.  
  
Shampoo and the two immortals stood by Mousse's cot.. at least, it had been Mousse's cot. Mousse was nowhere to be seen, but that strange duck was sprawled on the cot, a bucket over its head and the sheets below it soaked with water. Shin-Shampoo looked up at Kaguya.  
  
"Where Mousse go, Mistress? What Shampoo do now?"  
  
Pipi drew a chair over to the edge of the cot. "Perhaps you should watch over the duck, for now. Maybe it is the key to understanding what has happened. We must tend to the others... Ojou-sama?" Kaguya nodded, and gestured at Kuno. Pipi returned to her side, and the goddess and her manservant vanished once again.  
  
Shin-Shampoo sighed as she sat down next to the duck's cot. "Shampoo no understand where you come from, Mr. Duck. But if Mistress say Shampoo watch, Shampoo watch you."  
  
***  
  
"It's rather cramped in here, isn't it, Ojou-sama?"  
  
"And dark. Strange..."  
  
"Ah... here he comes.  
  
Out of the gloom, the figure of Kuno strode toward the immortals, a stern look upon his face. As he approached, his eyes widened in some form of recognition, and he broke into a thin and slightly arrogant smile.  
  
"So... the gods have deigned to pay a visit to Tatewaki Kuno, the Blue Thunder. I extend my greetings unto you."  
  
Kaguya was mildly astonished. "You know who we are, then?"  
  
"Neither name nor purpose, my lady, but you have the visage and bearing of either god... or demon." Pipi's countenance darkened slightly at that. "In either case, I salute you. I can do no other."  
  
"And we must congratulate you on your keen discernment. Kaguya, Missionary of Love."  
  
"Pipi, faithful manservant."  
  
Kuno barely suppressed a smile. Surely the Goddess of Love could find herself a more worthy manservant than this... this... mushroom-man? Pipi's face grew darker as he spoke.  
  
"Appearances can be deceiving, young master. Do not place too much faith in your eyes. Handsome faces hide ugly hearts, sometimes."  
  
Now it was Kuno's turn to darken, "Would you be insinuating something by that, gnome?" He lifted his bokken from his shoulder and pointed it at Pipi. "Deity or demon, you have no right to insult the mighty Tatewaki Kuno in such a manner. Contend with me, and we shall see.."  
  
Pipi reached out a finger to touch the tip of the bokken. The tip of the wooden sword turned to white ash, and burned its way back to the hilt. Kuno dropped the remains of the hilt as the white heat spread, and the hilt turned to dust at his feet. "I'm sorry to have to do that, but I had to stop you before things got... ugly." The manservant landed on that final word with a meaningful thud.  
  
Before things could erupt any further, Kaguya stepped in between Kuno and her manservant. "Believe it or not, we're here to help you out... Tatewaki, is it? You are, I take it, less than successful in love, ne?"  
  
Kuno's reply was brusque. "I can capture my own damsels... thank you."  
  
"Mm... damsel, singular. A man cannot serve two mistresses, my dear boy, I assure you."  
  
"And I assure *you* that the heart of the Blue Thunder is more than large enough to accommodate however many may come to me." Kuno threw his arms wide open in an expansive gesture.  
  
A dubious look crossed Kaguya's face. "Well... in that case, behold the bridge to your dreams." She gestured at a point beyond Kuno, and he obediently turned around to see...  
  
...a road, or rather a bridge, leading off into the distance -- but not before breaking into two divergent paths. Kaguya continued: "I've never seen a bridge like this one before, but I've never seen a heart so bound and determined to have more than one desire. I'm afraid you're no more able to have two girls than you are to travel two paths simultaneously, but.. your heart's desires are waiting for you on the other side of these bridges. Cross over without looking back, and she -- not they -- shall be yours."  
  
Kuno moved forward, more as if in a trance now than actually compelled by any form of affection. At this point, he did not wish to be here -- certainly Kaguya's offer was quite unacceptable. But then again, there seemed to be no other way out of this dreamscape but to follow her instructions. And yet...  
  
By now, he had arrived at the crossroads. Which way to go? It wasn't fair that he should have to decide. It wasn't fair to him, and it wasn't fair to the road. Should they not both have the opportunity to be graced by the footsteps of the noble Tatewaki Kuno?  
  
As he puzzled over this dilemma, Kaguya and Pipi began to walk away from him. "Would you call this love, Pipi?"  
  
"Hardly, Ojou-sama... unless you consider the love affair within himself."  
  
Kaguya nodded in agreement. "It isn't love, but he thinks it is. And there is nothing I can do about it, Not for now, anyway. Still, reducing hatred is necessary, too. I dare say I'll still prepare him a doppleganger to occupy his mind..."  
  
"...such as it is..." muttered Pipi. Kaguya shot him an icy look, then softened.  
  
"Pipi... bitterness and anger have no place with us any more than they should be amongst the mortals. I will grant you that this young man has a fair number of annoying weaknesses, but we cannot allow ourselves to be as petty as that in response. It is, after all, his anger that is partially responsible for the moon's continued departure. For us to get angry at him defeats the purpose, and indeed, makes matters that much worse. We shall tide him over with his heart's desire..." She looked over her shoulder at Kuno, still standing at the crossroads in the distance, still unable to choose one path or the other "...as soon as he determines what that   
desire may be."  
  
As Kuno stood at the juncture, agonizing over which route to take, or if it were possible to somehow straddle the two roads -- after all, wasn't anything possible within a dream? -- he heard Kaguya's voice, with an edge of impatience creeping in: "Love involves decision, young man... make it!"  
  
Indignant, Kuno wheeled around. "Do you think this is easy? Do you think that..?" He was cut off by the sound of rushing wind; a mini-cyclone picked him up and whirled him off. Off in the distance, Kaguya sighed.  
  
"Maybe I shall have to choose for him. It seems to be the only way..."  
  
***  
  
It wasn't long before Ryoga, too, found himself at a similar crossroads. Down one, he saw himself with Akane.. but the back of his mind refused to allow him to put Ranma out of the picture. He watched the story unfold, as Akane found herself torn between her suitors, and Ryoga sat himself down and wept.  
  
"I say his path is clear. What say we give him a little nudge?"  
  
"Ojou-sama..." And the immortals vanished from Ryoga's dreamscape.  
  
***  
  
At the Unryuu farm, Akari was going about her normal chores when she became increasingly aware of a strange tingling sensation below her waist. As first mild and pleasant, it grew more insistent by the minute. She had no idea what it was, nor why it was happening, but she instinctively knew she had to do something about it before this, this.. heat.. overwhelmed her.  
  
She summoned her giant sumo pig: "Katsunishiki!" The great hog came running at his mistress' call. He lowered his front haunches before her, as if bowing, and she quickly clambered onto his back. "To Tokyo!" Whatever this was, she knew that time spent with her Ryoga-sama could cure all manner of ills.  
  
The pig, with Akari riding him, began to waddle off in a vague southerly direction toward Tokyo. Akari prayed with every step that they would arrive soon, as she could feel her temperature rise from rubbing herself against Katsunishiki's back...  
  
***  
  
Ryoga sat at the juncture for quite a long while, crying disconsolately, when a voice began to call him from behind: "Ryoga-sama..." It wasn't Kaguya.  
  
He stood up, and turned to face the voice wafting from the other road. Through the shadows, she was running toward him. A great large shape loomed behind her, then took form as it emerged from the darkling gloom. Katsunishiki.  
  
And Akari running before him. Oh... dear, faithful Akari. Always waiting for him, even if she was conscious of her secondary place in his heart. His eyes opened wide as the realization of the extent of her love for him slowly dawned upon him. "Akari-san... you still... in spite of...?"  
  
***  
  
The janitor and the nurse were still chatting, although by now, the janitor had been considerate enough to get a cup of coffee for each of them.  
  
"And I tell ya, it's gotten to the point where nothing around here surprises me..."  
  
The janitor had definitely picked the wrong time to say this. No sooner were the words out of his mouth when Katsunishiki and Akari crashed into the infirmary. Both the janitor and the nurse goggled at the intruders; a cute but somewhat mousy teenage girl astride this enormous pig, too big to fit through the doors -- which accounted for the now pig-shaped hole that served as the entrance. Akari slid down from her porcine mount, and bowed low before the two staff members. "Gomen nasai. I'm so sorry for the damage my pig has caused, but... is Ryoga Hibiki in here? I was told I could find him at the nurses' station."  
  
"Uh... yeah, he's in back here..." The nurse gestured to the second room, where Kuno and Ryoga continued to rest.  
  
Akari smiled heartily, and dashed through the door. "Thank you!"  
  
The janitor and the pig stood eyeing each other thoughtfully. Finally, he turned to the nurse one more time.  
  
"You know what I just said? ... I take it back."  
  
***  
  
By now, Ryoga could see Akari was within a few yards of him. "Of course I do, Ryoga-sama. Come with me..." She led him down her path, where Ryoga could see a pinpoint of light off in the distance, like a star at ground level. As the continued, the star grew in size and intensity, until it was bright as the sun itself and more. Ryoga followed her (he had no choice, as she was pulling him by the hand), with a perplexed expression on his face.   
  
"Akari.. where did you come from? And how..?"  
  
"We've returned, Ryoga-sama." The words came to her as she opened her mouth.  
  
"Returning? Where?"  
  
"We've come to take you home."  
  
"Take me.. home? Am I dead?"  
  
Akari laughed her sweet musical laugh. "Nothing like that, Ryoga-sama. In fact, we're just about to *begin* living... and loving... that is, if you like..."  
  
"IF? Akari, of course I would like-! I would LOVE to go with you! Lead on!"  
  
Akari beamed at this, and the light shining from her face drowned out the growing star in front of them, until the two lovers and the pig were enveloped in brilliant white light.  
  
***  
  
Ryoga opened his eyes to see Akari holding his hand. He trembled a bit, and his other hand went up to his nose... just in case.  
  
Akari just smiled her winningest. "Are you all right, Ryoga-sama?"  
  
He could still feel pain from having been drained in the morning. That meant this wasn't a dream. "Y- yeah. Couldn't be better, Akari-san..."  
  
Unseen by the two lovebirds, Kaguya and Pipi observed the scene, smiling benevolently. Also watching them was a red-haired, pig-tailed girl holding Kuno's hand, still waiting for him to wake up.  
  
"That should just about take care of them, ne?"  
  
"Un.." Pipi nodded, then stopped short. "Ojou-sama! What about that girl -- or was it a boy? -- we saw earlier?"  
  
"Oh, that's right. I almost forgot..."  
  
***  
  
Head down, tears streaming down his face, Tsubasa continued running toward the Ucchan. He had to stop Ranma, and he hoped he wasn't too late. He hoped against hope that his dream wasn't some kind of horrid prophecy.  
  
So intent was he on getting to the Ucchan in utmost haste, he neglected to watch where he was going, and ran slam-bang into...  
  
"Heya, sugar. Where's the fire, huh?"  
  
Tsubasa was flabbergasted by her demeanor. "U.. Ukyou-sama? W-what are you doing out here?"  
  
"I was looking for you, honey." Ukyou's smile was warm and inviting. Tsubasa couldn't believe what he was hearing. She had always disliked him so, and now she says she's looking for him? Was this a trap? A lie? But Ukyou-sama wasn't capable of deceit; even if she thought she was. Tsubasa had seen through her masculine   
demeanor so long back; he should be able to see though any other guile on her part...  
  
But he found none. Her face spoke the truth, and it spoke volumes of it. It was.. concern.. affection.. love?  
  
"Hey.." Ukyou waved a hand in front of Tsubasa's face. "You in there, kiddo?"  
  
The boy in the sailor fuku shook his head violently to clear it, blinked cutely several times, and then embraced Ukyou tightly. "Ukyou-sama! You've been looking for me?" Ukyou, with the wind momentarily squeezed out of her, could only nod in reply before pushing Tsubasa gently away from her a little. Upon hearing her gasp for air, Tsubasa back off further of his own accord. "Oh! Gomen nasai, Ukyou-sama!"  
  
Ukyou gulped in a few more breaths before responding. "'Sokay, sugar. Yeah, I was looking for you. You wanna catch that new flick playing at the Takahashi? It's s'poseta be pretty good."  
  
Tsubasa's eyes nearly started out of his head. Ukyou, asking *him* for a date?!  
  
"Tsubasa honey? You feeling all right?"  
  
It crossed his mind briefly to ask Ukyou the same question, but Tsubasa decided against it. "Uh.. yeah. Yeah. I'm fine. Great, in fact. Terrific, really! Yeah, you BET I'd like to come with you to see a movie! Let's go -- oh, but wait... "Wh-what about... the Ucchan?"  
  
Ukyou shrugged. "What about it? Hey, it's in good hands. I'm able to take off time now and again, hmm?" Tsubasa wasn't about to argue. He was quite aware of Konatsu's growing skill; granted, more of the kunoichi's martial prowess (when the girl-ninja would frequently see him to the door) than his cooking skills, but he understood those were improving as well. Besides, as long as he was on a date with Ukyou-sama, what did anything else matter?  
  
***  
  
Back in her ethereal mansion, the goddess Kaguya lifted the brandy snifter to her lips. A small sip of the warm liquid washed her lips and tongue and slid gently down her throat. She smiled proudly.  
  
"Well, Pipi.. that was a full day's work, ne?"  
  
"Indeed, my Lady. Not a dull moment."  
  
"Quite. I dare say we should wisit the area more frequently, even if there is no need. A little excitement will do us both good."  
  
Pipi's face remained expressionless.  
  
***  
  
As Tsubasa had heard, the Ucchan was in good hands, indeed. Konatsu was performing the customary waitress duties, clad in a silk kimono. Shin-Ranma, too, had been pressed into service as a waiter, and looking quite dashing in his formal tux, he cheerfully greeted customers as they walked in. But the heart and soul of the operation stood behind the counter, serving up her traditional okonomi-yaki specials with the same flair and flavor her customers had come to expect, completely unaware that her exact double had just passed by across the street from her restaurant, Tsubasa in tow. No, life was too good to even consider such possibilities, and with Ranma here, life would be good for some time to come.  
  
She ducked into the kitchen to replenish her supply of batter just as Konatsu was carrying a tray full of water glasses to a table. Nerima being Nerima, the kunoichi tripped just within range of Ranma, thoroughly soaking his tuxedo.  
  
That's right. *His* tuxedo.  
  
Konatsu blinked in surprise. "Ranma-san... when were you cured of your curse?"  
  
Now it was Ranma's turn to blink. "Cured? Curse? What are you talking about, Konatsu?"  
  
***  
  
Well, it's taken two and a half months to polish this sucker off,   
and I know it's nowhere near complete (which means it ain't gonna   
see the light of the r.a.a.c. for a long time yet). If the response   
is favorable enough, I think I'll shift the focus back to us girls   
now. Gonna call it either "Too Much of a Perfect Thing" or "Green   
Eyed Monster" -- gee, the multiple title makes it sound like an   
episode of Rocky and Bullwinkle :: smirks :: Oh, well...  
  
Anyway, I'd really appreciate some feedback on this. I've been asked   
if I'd do a series sometime, but I doubt this is what anyone had in   
mind. Let me know whatch'all think at the usual address...  
  
ucchans@ameritech.net  
  
Looking forward to hearing from ya!  
  
Itsu mo,  
Ucchan ^_^ 


	3. Chapter 3: Fraying at the Edges

Oh, boy..  
  
I mentioned with the last installment that I was going to start focussing on the girls of the Ranmaverse as Kaguya's creations slowly (and, of course, inadvertently) reveal themselves for what they are. It looks like that's gonna haveta happen in another chapter, if it happens at all. I haveta confess, I have no idea where this thing's taking me anymore (although that's getting to   
be a common occurance, ne?).  
  
Anyway, I wanna thank those of you that have been patient enough to keep up with what's been going on, and interested (or should that be concerned?) enough to offer suggestions. I'd say you know who you are, but so much time has passed since the last installment that that's not always guaranteed.  
  
***  
  
A Ranma 1/2 fan fiction by Ukyou Kuonji  
  
Ranma 1/2 and all characters therein are the property of Rumiko Takahashi, et al.  
Rei Rei and all characters therein are the creations and property of Toshimitsu Shimizu, et al.  
As usual, all characters are used without permission.  
You know the drill.  
  
***  
  
Hikaru Gosunkugi emerged from the thicket of willows tentatively, yet triumphantly. Somehow, he knew that this time, his plans and magic had worked to perfection. He had gotten a whole lock of Ranma's hair -- directly from him, no less! -- and that should have served well to increase the efficacy of the spell. Ranma Saotome, by all rights, should be no more.  
  
As he reached the courtyard where some of the other students were eating lunch, he stopped dead in his tracks. So how come that accursed fool is still here? And flirting with Akane, no less?  
  
He dashed back to the willow grove. Sure enough, the effigy was still there, nailed to the mightiest tree. But as he looked over his shoulder, it was undeniable that Saotome was no worse off for the curse he had hoped to place upon him.  
  
"Goddam voodoo doesn't bloody WORK!!" he growled as he yanked the straw man from the trunk of the tree. With all of his none-too-impressive might, he hurled it in the direction of the forest   
preserve behind the school.  
  
As the voodoo doll reached the apex of its arc, there was a glint of silver in the sun as the needle that had been nailed into it slipped out...  
  
***  
  
The goddess Kaguya started slightly as she heard footsteps approaching. She hadn't summoned Pipi, and although she was aware of her manservant's sixth sense of her needs, she could think of nothing that she was lacking, no call for his services that came to mind. All at once, a chill swept over her; much like the one she had felt as she and her manservant had approached Nerima. Unfinished business, perhaps?  
  
The footsteps continued their approach. They were lighter, yet firmer, that Pipi's. Who else could possibly have found this place?  
  
A figure emerged from the hallway shadows into the goddess' chamber. "Where am I, and what am I doing here?"  
  
*****  
  
RANMA 5/2, book three  
FRAYING AT THE EDGES  
  
*****  
  
Muu-Muu-chan looked up from the soaking wet cot he was standing on, into the face of what was *supposed* to be his beloved Shampoo. His was the dubious distinction of being the first to understand -- more or less -- what was going on.  
  
His real Shampoo would not sit by his bedside, wondering what had happened to him, worrying whether he would be all right. She would never run into his arms, as he had dreamed of, and then still be beside him when he awoke.  
  
And most importantly at the moment, she would know by now to get him some hot water and turn him back into a human.  
  
Obviously, what he had on his hands was an imposter. That goddess, or missionary, or whatever she was, had created a marvellous duplicate of Shampoo, but it was clearly not really her.  
  
Oh well...  
  
Pushing away the bucket that had been perched jauntily on his head, Muu-Muu-chan quacked loudly to get shin-Shampoo's attention. He succeeded in getting her attention, as well at that of every conscious person in the infirmary: a beaming Akari, a still-groggy Ryoga, and a perplexed shin-Ranma-chan standing by Kuno's bedside.  
  
Akari aimed her smile at shin-Shampoo. "You might want to pour some hot water on him," she said, gesturing toward a shelf upon which a teakettle rested.  
  
Shin-Shampoo blinked at Akari's strange suggestion, but dutifully reached for the teakettle, and filled it from the tap with hot water. Once the kettle was filled, she slowly drizzled the water on the duck, who had by now fluttered to the ground next to the cot. To no one's surprise save her own (and shin-Ranma-chan's), Mousse proceeded to stand up facing her. In more ways than one.  
  
"Aiyah!" she exclaimed in delight, and proceeded to doff her own cheongsam to match his nakedness. She leapt into his arms, straddling his member. Unprepared for her reaction, Mousse lost his balance and fell backwards onto the cot.   
  
***  
  
Akari's eyes widened at the exchange unfolding before her. She was aware of Shampoo's reputation of being overly affectionate, but this was far more than she'd ever known her to do. And with Mousse? Whoa. Once again, she could feel that warm, itchy sensation building up between her legs. She turned to face Ryoga...  
  
...who, fortunately for him, had maintained consciousness as he watched shin-Shampoo strip. Akari's smile took on a rueful aspect as she noted the blood seeping from Ryoga's nose. She stood up and pulled the curtain closed around Mousse's cot. "In any case, Ryoga-sama..." Ryoga blinked, sat up, and wiped his nose with one of his bandannas. His eyes bugged in amazement as Akari began to unbutton her blouse, very slowly. "...why watch *her*? I'm here for you." He could hear the squeaking of the cot behind the curtain, and suddenly, it struck him as a very good idea indeed...  
  
Now, if only he could do something about this nosebleed...  
  
***  
  
Mousse heard the shk-k-k of the curtain around him and... whoever this girl was... being drawn, and was grateful. Somehow, he felt as if he were betraying his Shampoo by letting this girl seduce him. He didn't relish the idea of the real Shampoo showing up and seeing this...  
  
On the other hand, the real Shampoo wouldn't care what he did with this girl. And this girl seemed so much like Shampoo that it really wasn't like he was being unfaithful, was it?  
  
On the other hand, maybe it would bother Shampoo to see how happy this girl was, as she tended to him. Maybe she would see how good things could be for her with him.  
  
On the other hand... ohhh...  
  
The blood rushed away from his brain as shin-Shampoo began her ministrations in earnest. This was no time to be thinking. This was a time to just enjoy the sensation.  
  
***  
  
Somewhere in the ether, Kaguya forced herself to ignore the pleasant warmth emanating from the two lovers in order to concentrate on the young man that had entered her chambers. She was, after all, most unaccustomed to visitors. Dealing with people was something she always thought she did extremely well. But never on her home turf. After all, what mortal could penetrate the ethereal realm, anyway?  
  
She decided to use the direct method to find out. "Who are you?"  
  
The young man shrugged. "I'm Ranma Saotome, fiance of Akane Tendo." Uh-oh.  
  
Well, that explained how he could be here. Her magical creation had for some reason returned to her. "How did you get here?"  
  
Another shrug, and a look of how-should-I-know from the phantom. "I was wandering around inside the school when all at once, everything goes black. Next thing I know, I'm in the hallway outside your room. Say, did you know this Ranma fellow's got *male* admirers, too?"  
  
Kaguya blinked. Somehow, she wasn't prepared for that one. It suddenly struck her that the jealous rages of Ranma's four antagonists might be for completely different reasons that she suspected. Maybe her creation could enlighten her. She waved her hand over her head, and shimmering images of Kuno, Ryoga, Mousse and Tsubasa filled the air around her. "Male admirers? Any of these boys, perhaps?"  
  
Shin-Ranma hesitated before pointing at Tsubasa. "Uh... that one's a girl, ma'am." The goddess shook her head. "No? You're kiddin'." He turned his attention back to the images. "Nope. None of these guys. He was shorter, baggy-eyed, and kinda..."  
  
Kaguya held up her hand to silence her creation. She stood up, and the images faded. Placing her hands on shin-Ranma's temples, she conjured up the image of... Gosunkugi. Shin-Ranma's eyes   
widened in amazement.  
  
"Yeah, that's the kid. He asked me for a lock of my hair."  
  
Kaguya's eyes narrowed. "A lock of your hair? And you gave it to him?"  
  
"Well... yeah." shin-Ranma's face was a mask of confusion. "Did I do something wrong?"  
  
***  
  
As had become his afternoon ritual, Sasuke was in the courtyard of the Kuno estate, hanging his straw bedding out to dry. He shook his head dejectedly. As a ninja, Sasuke was eminently capable of waking up at the slightest sound, should the need arise. So why couldn't he wake himself up when he needed to use the toilet?  
  
The hairs on the back of his neck began to rise as he heard the laughter, and it grew louder as Kodachi, as yet unseen within the compound, approached.  
  
Oh, no... she was still here; she hadn't left for school. He cursed inwardly. Not that it was a surprise to discover her truancy; after what he'd seen in the monitor, it was more of a surprise that she was even bothering to go out of her bedroom.  
  
No matter; Sasuke always dreaded dealing with Kodachi. Between her inevitably unreasonable demands on him and her blackmailing him regarding... he looked at his drying bedding... he just wished that someday she would just go away for good. He had hoped to fob her off onto Ranma Saotome (despite his master's distaste of the young martial artist) just to get her out of his minimal hair. And now that they were together, it was apparent that the ninja was not losing a headache, so much as gaining a master-in-law. Still, he brightened somewhat as he considered the possibility of his mistress in a rare good mood.  
  
Actually, she didn't look all that different from any other day she decided to play hooky. Always dressed in a proper apron, looking the proper hausfrau. Always with that not-so-proper smirk on her face. "Well, well, well... still watering the lawn, are we, Sasuke?" Whatever else could be said about her, it was clear that getting laid did not improve her disposition toward him. Well, then... might as well repay her in the same coin, ne?  
  
"Mistress..." Sasuke began, but was waved off.  
  
"Worry not, my little man. I have not come to order you to go and ensnare my darling Ranma. All your feeble attempts thus far have failed in any case." She mada a beckoning motion toward the compound, and her shin-Ranma stepped into view. "As you can see, he had come to me on his own. He has tasted of my womanly arts to the utmost degree, and I believe he is here to stay." This actually came as no surprise to the little ninja, of course, but as long as Kodachi was unaware of his spying upon her, the less said about it, the better. Indeed, it would be wise for him to act surprised at it all.  
  
Sasuke sighed inwardly. There went his hopes of blackmailing his mistress in return. He decided to reach for a straw: "Y-young Saotome? Here? B-but... what would Master Tatewaki say of this? You *know* of his hatred for the boy! What if he were to find out?"  
  
That hair-raising laughter spang forth from her lips once again. "Ah, Sasuke, do you not remember? Brother dear long ago gave his blessing to our union." She pinched her smile off momentarily. "He has ulterior motive, I know. Something to do with the Tendo girl and that pig-tailed wench. But..." the smile returned, and so did the laugh. "I have my Ranma-sama, and he is satisfied. What care I for more?" She wrapped her arms around shin-Ranma's waist and together they wandered back into the compound.  
  
  
***  
  
Ranma was still confused at the reactions of the three girls around him; why was Akane still lookin' at him all moon-eyed, anyway? For that matter, Yuka and Sayuri were staring at him, too. What was the deal here?  
  
"Uh... Akane... you feeling all right?"  
  
If there was any confusion behind those eyes at his surprisingly uncertain reaction, it was drowned out by her pleasant smile, the one he never could ague with, the one that even he had to admit she looked cute wearing. "Everything's perfect, Ranma. I'm fine."  
  
Out of the corner of his eye, Ranma noticed a yellow shift enter his line of vision. Miss Hinako! Dammit! She was *still* following him. Well, he'd asked for it, hadn't he? Just because he had been proven blameless for this morning's altercation didn't mean something else might not happen. He was convinced that whatever might occur, it wasn't likely to be his fault, but it looked as if Ms. Ninomiya was insistent upon proving that to herself. It looked like he'd better behave.  
  
***  
  
"You can stop following us, Teach."  
  
"That's Miss Hinako to you, buster." The little girl pointed an accusing finger at him, but she was smiling all the same.  
  
"Oh... so you're in a good mood now, ne?"  
  
She shrugged. "I figured as long as I'd been shadowing you all day, I might as well pay a visit to my dear Soun-sama!" Her voice rose to almost a squeak by the time she mentioned Mr. Tendo's name.  
  
For the first time all day, Akane showed a measure of irritation. "Will you stop calling my Dad 'Soun-sama!' And he's *not* yours... don't you forget it!"  
  
"Hey, calm down, Akane. It's not like she's about to marry him or nothin'. Your dad's a big boy these days, and Miss Hinako's..." he turned to look at her, "well, most of the time, anyway, she's a big girl. Anyway, they're both adults. If they wanna go out together and have some fun, what harm?"  
  
***  
  
Itsu mo,  
Ucchan ^_^ 


End file.
